Iklan?

Hahaha.

Sebenarnya dah berapa hari ni, saya membaca balik blog2 saya yang lama. OMG I can't believe that 10 years ago I am such a kiddos.

Belajar makeup pun tak habis sebab dah dapat kerja kat YTL Comms. Lepas tu bermula la segalanya. Sekarang dah jadi sales- Account Manager and seronok  dengan gaji dan kerja yang flexible.

Iklan hari ni ialah nak tunjuk muka 10 tahun dahulu dengan muka sekarang. Takde buat plastik surgery pun cuma makin cerah sikit lah berbanding gelap dan hitam dulu tu. Hahahaha.

Ready??

16 May 2020

Sekarang??

Sekarang dah kurang make-up tebal-tebal mcm Opera Cina. Saya buat eyelash extension jer. Lepas tu muka memang naked. Anyway due to so much make-up since I was young. Ni lah resultnya - DARK CIRCLE.

Saya pun sekarang pelik tengok social media sekarang. Kalau throwback gambar2 lama mesti nampak hitam dan kusam. Adakah kerana kamera sekarang makin canggih? Hahahaha. Saya tak buat drip vitamin C pun. Ke semakin tua kulit kita mengembang dan putih? Kahkahkah..

Anyway tu je iklan for today. Nak sambung pasal psycho experience later.

Have a happy and beautiful heart!

Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

It's 3rd day of Raya today. Since its CMCO, we're all stuck at the house. It's okay as long we protect ourselves from the Covid-19 wave. This is historical for all of us in 2020.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya 2020.

I have Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. How do I discover that? It started when my eldest daughter one day, shouted and screamed at her sister because she was so angry. She was so real in anger and I was frightened to see myself (me as a monster) in her. She copies exactly the way I am.

I always shouted at both my daughter at any time when I lost control. Every time they don't listen to me, it triggered my anger mode and I become a monster. The worst monster you wish you do not want to see ever in your life.

I felt so bad and I felt sorry for my daughter. That day was a wake-up call for me and I feel I need to change. So I quickly grab my eldest daughter Raisha and hug her, put her on my lap and apologize to her. I kissed her cheek and kept saying I am sorry. She just nodded her head and for a moment she closes her eyes and sleep. Right away I took her little sister Hannah and do the same. While both my daughter are sleeping, I dedicated my time to search for my problem. My first finding was really perfect for me where I found Lisa A. Romano video about FEAR.

Check it out:


Ahhh for the first time in my life I realized that there are people like me all around the world. I am not alone. So I went to Lisa A. Romano's website and try to find any audio that suits me. Yes, I found mine it was very cheap USD1.99 for half an hour of audio. It's about self-hypnosis - 'HEAL FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSIVE MEDITATION'. I tried this audio and it really helped me 80%. The next day I woke up, I can master my mind. I can control my anger.

Ok from Lisa A. Romano youtube video, she did mention AMYGDALA.

What is AMYGDALA?

Source from Google:
They are thought to be a part of the limbic system within the brain, which is responsible for emotions, survival instincts, and memory.

She also mentions fight-or-flight in her video. What is that?

From WIKIPEDIA:
The fight-or-flight response (also called hyperarousal the Crumbles, or the acute stress response) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. It was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon. His theory states that animals react to threats with a general discharge of the sympathetic nervous system, preparing the animal for fighting or fleeing. More specifically, the adrenal medulla produces a hormonal cascade that results in the secretion of catecholamines, especially norepinephrine and epinephrine. The hormones estrogen, testosterone, and cortisol, as well as the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin

In the next post, I will elaborate more on fight-or-flight okay. Till next time.

Have a happy and beautiful heart!

Confession of Psycho Victim

Hello everyone..

Its been a while ago I didnt write any post. The reason why is I am enjoying my life which I now I am married and have 2 beautiful daughters. 👶👶

Today I am gonna talk about my Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder which currently I am having this in my life and the impact is soooo big. Why it is big?

First of all, let me tell how did I get this disease from. When i was 15 years old, I am in abusive relationship where I got super duper jealousy boyfriend E where he always control me and hit me like nobody business. The scene started when he heard rumours about me and one of my male friend go dating and cheated on him. At first he ask me nicely, did I go out with XXXX, I answer to him "Yes, I did". Then he asked me another question, are guys making out? I said "hell NO! Are you crazy? We went out because he wants to meet me and ask about my friend, Maisarah". Furthermore we met at public place, padang bola. I think because we both meet in public la people sees us and informed him. So my boyfriend E replied "OK". I am so happy that he trust me.

One day, my bf E said wanna meet me. So he fetch me with a motorcycle, bring me to a "rumah buruk" where once arrive, I still have positively in my mind that maybe this is his friends house. So he said go inside. I went inside, it was empty house. After I go inside, he locked all the door. And I still have no bad thought. So he started asking me with a nice voice, "Did you make out with XXXX"? I replied nicely, NO I DONT. SWEAR TO GOD. He started to raised his voice "WHY YOU LYING TO ME?!!" And the question is repeatedly over and over again. The situation became so stress and he started to hit me with his hand straight to my face. He slap me super hard. I was soooo frightened and scared. He keep asking with that stupid question and hit me like hell and hoping me to say -yes I did make out with XXXX. Why should I admit things that I didnt do? I am so scared. I cry and shout like hell but nobody heard my voice. Until at one point, my friends realised that I am missing, so she and the rest try to find me. Lucky she saw my bf E motorcycle park in front of the "rumah buruk". My friends and her bf and other friends knock the door and call E ask to stop and open the door, but he seems like crazy and dont care. I shout and cry like hell. Until he feels satisfied punching, slapping me he open the door and he released me. He didn't have empathy at all.

It was the bad experience ever in my life for the first time. I decided to end the relationship. In the next day he call me and say sorry. I try to ignore him for one day, the next day I started to missed him. Such a crazy me. We are back together.

And this scene of hitting me is happened to me so many times. We breakup, we makeup on the next day. This thing is repeatedly happened over 3 years. Over 3 years the questions is repeatedly ask by that crazy E. And he hit me like crazy.

Physical abuse is a new norm to me. I get used to it. When SPM over, my mom decided to send me to the college. This is the only way that I can break up with him. I am so relieved that he is far away from me. He is abusive and always thought that I am his belongings. What the heck?? When I am in college, I found new bf. I become like my exbf E, I am so abusive and jealousy. I keep asking my new bf A where is his whereabouts. Why he is not picking up my call after 5 minutes we end the call? Why this why that. Bf A is smart and try to avoid me because how psychotic I can be. He sees values in himself. That is why he leave me. What a good move. Good job Bf A

It happened again to another bf and it keep repeating. All my bf are running away from me. AZ, SH, WK J and many more. This psychotic character is slowly ends when I started my job at YTLComms. I have new positive friends and my pscho bf E is gone forever. During my time in YTL, I found my husband there. Married with no kids. Now he was my ex husband. See?

All my relationship doesn't work. I am stuck in my own world. Whenever I am in bad times, I sometime will try to find my exbf E and talk to him. I remember I managed to find him and call him. I told him about my divorcee. And can you believe that the first word come out from his mouth is "Dah bercerai, susah la lepas ni hidup ain". I was like OMG he still so negative telling me that my world end because of the divorce. That time I decided that no more toxic people like him in my life. So I totally move on.

See the struggle is so real?

The next chapter I will tell about why Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder impact is so big to our life.

Stay tuned.

Have a happy and beautiful heart. Muaahhhh